I publicized a blog post on my Instagram for the first time a few days ago. Yeah, that gave me a lot anxiety not going to lie… It remained in my bio for a total of ~10 hours give or take. Kind of crazy how this blog had deadass 0 views and it racked up ~600+… I don’t think I ever want to do that ever again haha, but in this case I really did feel called to. Staying silent about the issue especially when it hit so close to home and is directly linked to someone I love just did not seem right. I know I mentioned this earlier, but I wanted to use the post to express my voice and show others where I am at — that I was, in my friend’s words, “not the type to take hypocrisy or surface level words, and expect to see the very best from people I love”. I also wanted a way to reach out to a broad audience including significant others/loved ones of those who have been involved in the incident, friends of mine who I knew wanted to say something to me (but did not know what words to say), friends of my bf who were shocked/horrified to see the “token Christian boy of the organization” in the viral screenshots, and honestly to just anyone who was willing to take time to hear me out.
The feedback I got from this piece was all positive, to my surprise. I was extremely nervous posting it because 1) I did not want it to seem like I was trying to take the spotlight away from the survivors who were coming out with their personal testimonies, 2) I did not want people to think I was defending my boyfriend’s words and lack of action, and 3) I have told less than a handful of people about my experience with sexual assault (now I feel like I told the whole world lol rip). However, I was so encouraged by the wide range of women and men who responded to my response with such kind and supportive words. So many people that I had not spoken to for years including old high school classmates, undergrad besties, distant relatives, girlfriends of frat brothers who could relate, friends of my boyfriend, and church acquaintances truly did shower me with so much love and I am eternally grateful to every single person who went out of their way to read/respond. This is a huge thank you to all of you for really helping me process and ease my stress/anxiety over this issue. ❤
That being said, it’s been about a week since the viral screenshots of the specific chat that my boyfriend participated in got leaked. I can honestly say this past week has been one of the worst of my life so far lol. I find it kind of insane how quickly stories and heated responses come and go on social media. People (including me) get obsessed with the sensationalism of stories and the desire to cancel individuals immediately. Now that I’ve kind of learned what it feels like to be on the other side of the screen with my bf being “cancelled”, my thoughts on cancelling individuals has definitely been tested. I have been seeing a lot of posts saying “accountability >>> cancel culture”, and I agree for the most part, but I still have so many questions on the topic and I definitely need to spend more time learning. For example, where is the line between accountability and cancel culture? Is cancel culture ever >>>accountability (for ex. rapists, murderers, racists)? Is doxxing — the search for and publishing of private or identifying information about (a particular individual) on the Internet, typically with malicious intent — ever okay?
According to an Instagram post I came across online, cancelling means to stop giving support to someone because of a mistake that they have made. It is a form of online shaming, which involves bashing, hating and boycotting this person in order to “punish” them for for their wrongful actions, permanently branding them in a negative light. Accountability can be seen as giving this person an opportunity to own up to, grow, and learn from their mistakes.
Even though this week has been rough, I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I truly believe the exposure from the leaked frat messages was good and needed, allowing the public to see how rampant sexism, toxic masculinity, and rape culture are in our society today. Although quite a few people have been trying to push the cancel culture agenda by incessantly emailing the schools/employers of the individuals involved, doxxing these individuals, and posting each individual’s information on public google docs, the majority of people who have personally reached out to my boyfriend are taking the accountability route. In just a week, I have seen the remarkable effects of accountability. I have watched my bf have difficult conversations with many women (including family members, friends, and acquaintances), admitting his faults, explaining that their anger/disappointment was valid, and promising to grow from this. I’ve seen him call out a frat brother for insensitively saying that as long as perpetrators are “cool with their ‘victims’”, legally everything should be fine — an example of the type of accountability needed in this frat before they got exposed. He has even responded to extremely hateful DM’s from strangers who were hurt by his words with complete acceptance of his wrongdoings and some personal background about himself to prove that he is being held accountable by loved ones and has been forever changed from this experience. As his significant other and an important woman in his life, I promise to hold him accountable as well and continue to educate him on this topic.
I do not blame anyone for wanting to cancel my boyfriend, especially strangers on the internet who do not know him personally. His role of being a bystander and ignorance in his message were both morally wrong. Like I said before, it took me a bit to realize, but I am in full support of the exposure of the leaked chats and the post regarding the normalizing of misogyny present in the frat. Although, it hurt to be reminded of how greatly my bf messed up with each share, I knew the exposure was needed to make him and his brothers better people and this world a better place (cliche, but I am serious). But to the few Christian brothers and sisters who personally know him, who have literally broken bread with him, and yet maliciously only highlighted his presence in the chat/his specific message in your posts or specifically called him out publicly WITHOUT directly trying to confront/educate him of his wrongdoings first, I ask you, where is the grace and mercy in that? Does your desire to humiliate him surpass your desire for him to repent, learn and grow? Where is the grace in cancel culture?
Side note: I found this resource for cancel culture online that I vow to reflect on every time I have the desire to cancel an individual for making a mistake, and I think it would be helpful for a lot of people to stay humble and grounded as well.
Reflection Questions to Ask Yourself Before Cancelling Someone — By @domrobxrts on Instagram:
Am I giving people the benefits of the doubt, from their posts?
Am I more committed to exposing /canceling someone, than teaching them why they’re wrong?
Do I give the same grace for others than that I give myself when I mess up?
Has the person I’m cancelling seemed to have made and honest effort towards change?
I know this post is all over the place, just like my mental state this week :) Something that has always stuck with me from a sermon I heard a few years ago is that when you are criticizing someone, you are not playing on a fair, level field. You are comparing your own strengths to someone else’s weaknesses. Criticism is not bad. It can be constructive and it is needed for accountability. However, I really encourage everyone including myself to have humility when we do choose to call people out and realize that we were all once learning, that we are continually shaped by our experiences, and that people truly can change.
Just some final Bible verses from my devotionals that really spoke to me during this time:
“My brothers, if anyone among you wanders from the truth and someone brings him back, let him know that whoever brings back a sinner from his wandering will save his soul from death and will cover a multitude of sins.” James 5:19–20
“Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted.” Galatians 6:1
“For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.” Hebrews 12:11
